idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
