You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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