She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
