I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
