This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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