Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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