everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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