I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
