That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
