Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
