Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
