I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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