"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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