just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
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This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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