I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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