Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
