"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
