Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I forgot wine drunk hurts
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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