ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
