You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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