im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Randomize
