Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
