Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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