You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
