he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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