Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
