Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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