i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
