how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
