Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
