Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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