Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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