we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
