Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I woke up under a house in Key West
the raccoons are back...
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