Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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