Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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