Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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