fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
