i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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