Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
