I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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