Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
