Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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