I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
