I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
