So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
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Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
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Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
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