She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
