Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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