I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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