There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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