Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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