I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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