I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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