I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
