I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
