Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
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There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
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He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
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